Tell me a joke

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DiggityDaggityDo

DiggityDaggityDo

Joined
Oct 30, 2021
Messages
18,891
One day there's a knock on the door at the local motorcycle gang clubhouse. Biker opens the door and there's an old lady standing there says "I wanna join the gang".

Biker - lol really. You even swear?

Old lady - Yea bitch, I was swearing when you were sucking your mommas fucking titty.

Biker - haha ok. You drink?

Old lady - holding up a handle of whisky - I can drink this all myself. Today.

Biker - You ever been picked up by the fuzz?

Old lady - No but I been swung around by the titties a few times.
 

DiggityDaggityDo

DiggityDaggityDo

Joined
Oct 30, 2021
Messages
18,891
A rough looking cowboy walks into a bar.

He sits down and sternly says to the bartender, "Pour me a whisky before the trouble starts."

The bartender pours the drink which the cowboy quickly downs.

The cowboy belches and says, "Pour me another before the trouble starts."

The bartender quickly obliges and the cowboy downs the drink.

Again this happens a third time.

The bartender asks him, "Hey man, how would you like to pay for these drinks?"

The cowboy says, "And now the trouble starts."
 

BMR Genie

BMR Genie

Joined
Jun 16, 2016
Messages
22,380
Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.”

Sergeant:
“Colour of eyes?”

Husband:
“Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed

Sergeant:
“Colour of hair?”

Husband:
“Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.”

Sergeant:
“What was she wearing?”

Husband:
“Could have been jeans, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.”

Sergeant:
“What kind of car did she go in

Husband:
“She went in my Audi”

Sergeant:
“What kind of Audi was it?”

-

-

-

-
-
-
-
-




Husband: (sobbing)
“Audi A4 Black Edition, Advance Virtual Cockpit, 360 cameras, Bang & Olufsen Speaks, Ambient Lighting pack, Front heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, Audi drive select, Audi parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio with Apple CarPlay & Android Auto, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - A4 Avant, Non smoking pack - A4, Diesel particulate filter”

(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)



Sergeant:
“Don't worry Sir. We'll find your Audi”
 

DiggityDaggityDo

DiggityDaggityDo

Joined
Oct 30, 2021
Messages
18,891
JJGold walks into a Tucson bar and orders three shots of whiskey. He downs them quickly.

“What’s the occasion?” Asks the bartender.

“I just had my first blow job.”

“Well that is a special occasion” replied the bartender. “Have another shot on the house!”

“No thanks. If three didn’t get the taste outta my mouth, I doubt another one will.”
 

BMR Genie

BMR Genie

Joined
Jun 16, 2016
Messages
22,380
"After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."
 

BMR Genie

BMR Genie

Joined
Jun 16, 2016
Messages
22,380
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."
 

JDS

JDS

Joined
Dec 11, 2021
Messages
37,327
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."
1686073942986.gif
 

DiggityDaggityDo

DiggityDaggityDo

Joined
Oct 30, 2021
Messages
18,891
Speaking of monkeys…

A monkey is smoking a joint​



A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me" So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.

He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with the monkey and his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.

He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!" The Monkey looks down and says OMG!!!! DUUUDE .... HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?'"
 

BMR Genie

BMR Genie

Joined
Jun 16, 2016
Messages
22,380
Speaking of monkeys…

A monkey is smoking a joint​



A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me" So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.

He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with the monkey and his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.

He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!" The Monkey looks down and says OMG!!!! DUUUDE .... HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?'"
LOL!:ROFLMAO:
 

edawg

edawg

Joined
Nov 11, 2021
Messages
1,491
Man comes to his pastor too talk about problems he is having with his wife. Man says " you know my wife Nicole? " pastor replies" Yes what a beautiful lady she is you are a lucky man". Man says " but pastor she drinks, smokes, gambles.,swears, is abususive, and worst of all after dinner every night she goes to the bar and has lured filthy degenerate sex all night with the first guy to buy her a drink!" Pastor replies " I will certainly give her a tounge lashing for her sinfulness now if you could just give me the name of that bar."
 

BMR Genie

BMR Genie

Joined
Jun 16, 2016
Messages
22,380
"A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
 

BMR Genie

BMR Genie

Joined
Jun 16, 2016
Messages
22,380

"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife.​

She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."​

LOL! He got emotional damage instead haha.
 

BMR Genie

BMR Genie

Joined
Jun 16, 2016
Messages
22,380
"A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
 
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