Tell me a joke

[stevek173]

Lol, how?

 

[sunshine11]

How do you get a fat girl in bed?

Lift her with a forklift?

 

[rudy247365]

Lol, how?

Piece of cake

 

[BMR Genie]

"A little boy got on the bus and sat next to a man reading a book. He noticed the man had his collar on backwards.

“Why is your collar on backwards?” the boy asked.

The man, a priest, replied, “I am a Father.”

“My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that,” said the boy.

The priest looked up and said, “I am the Father of many.”

The boy shook his head. “My Dad has four boys, four girls, and two grandchildren—and he doesn’t wear his collar that way.”

Growing impatient, the priest said, “I am the Father of hundreds,” and returned to his book.

The boy sat quietly for a moment, then leaned over and said, “Maybe you should try putting your pants on backwards instead of your collar.”

 

[BMR Genie]

"A physicist recently won a Nobel Prize
Over the course of the next few weeks he is welcomed to many ceremonies and events as a guest speaker.
On the way to the next event at Caltech University, he rehearses his speech again. During a pause, his driver says “You know I’ve heard your speech so many times, I can pretty much recite it word-for-word.”
“Can you really?” the physicist remarks, and challenges the driver to see whether he can deliver the speech at the University. The driver accepts this challenge; they stop to change clothes and switch seats.
They are graciously welcomed into the lecture theatre and the physicist sits near the front. Nobody suspects a thing while the driver stands confidently on stage and delivers the speech flawlessly and charismatically.
After a cheerful applause, the floor is opened up for questions and answers. Normally no questions are asked, but a somewhat arrogant young man grills the driver and asks him a tricky physics question.
The driver simply laughs and shouts, “Young man, that question is ridiculously easy. I’ll even let my driver here in the front answer that!”

 

[sunshine11]

What is green and sings?

Elvis Parsley

 

[phillyflyers]

Tyrone's first day in 1st grade, he comes home crying to his Mama.

Mama says "What's wrong?"

Tyrone says "teacher told us to say our abc's and all the little white boys said them but I could only get to E. Why is that?"

Mama says "that's cause you black and they white."

Next day Tyrone comes home crying again.

Mama says "What's wrong?"

He says "teacher told us to count to 100 and all the little white boys did but I could only get to 10. Why is that?"

Mama says "that's cause you black and they white."

Next day he comes homes smiling.

Mama says "What happened today, baby?"

He says "Mama we went to the bathroom and my thing was biggest of all. Is that cause I'm black and they white?"

Mama says "No baby. That's cause you 17 and they 6."

 

[sunshine11]

 

[lekidecincinnati]

A hooker brings a client to her condo on Lake Shore Drive in Chicago. The client asks her if she gives good hand jobs. "You see this condo? I bought it by giving good hand jobs." Her client tells her to give him a hand job. Afterwards, he is impressed and asks her if she gives good blow jobs. "Look out the window. See that red Ferrari on the street? I bought it by giving good blow jobs." Her client asks her to give him a blow job. Afterwards, he is really impressed and asks her if she is good in bed. "Look out the window. See that big yacht out there on Lake Michigan? I could own that if only I had a vagina."

 

[mysteryman]

have you heard of the new maid service that only hires minorities?

its called ethnic cleansing

 

[maltedhopsfrenzy]

Tyrone's first day in 1st grade, he comes home crying to his Mama.

Mama says "What's wrong?"

Tyrone says "teacher told us to say our abc's and all the little white boys said them but I could only get to E. Why is that?"

Mama says "that's cause you black and they white."

Next day Tyrone comes home crying again.

Mama says "What's wrong?"

He says "teacher told us to count to 100 and all the little white boys did but I could only get to 10. Why is that?"

Mama says "that's cause you black and they white."

Next day he comes homes smiling.

Mama says "What happened today, baby?"

He says "Mama we went to the bathroom and my thing was biggest of all. Is that cause I'm black and they white?"

Mama says "No baby. That's cause you 17 and they 6."

Here’s one for @phillyflyers that I remember my dad telling:

You know the car maker Pontiac, but, do you know what “Pontiac” actually stands for?

Poor
Old
N*****
Thinks
It’s
A
Cadillac!

R.I.P. Dad…..

 

[sunshine11]

@malted. Haha that was the car I had before I sold it. it was a 1999 nice turquoise color.

 

[edawg]

Here’s one for @phillyflyers that I remember my dad telling:

You know the car maker Pontiac, but, do you know what “Pontiac” actually stands for?

Poor
Old
N*****
Thinks
It’s
A
Cadillac!

R.I.P. Dad…..

Mopar : mostly old people and rednecks
Ford : fucked on race day

 

[maltedhopsfrenzy]

Mopar : mostly old people and rednecks
Ford : fucked on race day

NASCAR:

Non
Athletic
Sport
Created
Around
Rednecks

 

[DiggityDaggityDo]

HOPPER:

Heavily
Over-served
Poster
Pounding
Endless
Rounds

 

[maltedhopsfrenzy]

HOPPER:

Heavily
Over-served
Poster
Pounding
Endless
Rounds

 

[phillyflyers]

Black kid walks into the kitchen and sees his mother baking. He takes the bowl of flour and pours it on his head.

Kid says "Look mom! I'm a white boy now!"

His mother screams at him and then slaps him in the face and says "Now go tell your father what you just said!"

Boy finds his father, says "Look Dad! I'm a white boy now!"

His father says "WHAT YOU JUST SAY BOY?!!!" Then takes off his belt and whips him with it.

The boy says "I only been white for 5 minutes and I already hate you niggers!!!!

 

[maltedhopsfrenzy]

Another @phillyflyers special:

A couple is excited about a costume party they have just been invited to. The husband, who is black, asked his wife to just pick up a costume for him since he’ll be too busy at work to get one himself. She excitedly agrees.

The next day, he comes home and finds a Batman suit waiting for him. He turns to his wife, who is white, and says: “Honey, you know Batman’s not black, right?” She apologizes and promises to pick up a different costume.

The next day, he comes home and sees a different costume waiting for him. “Uhhmm… Sweetheart, you know there ain’t no black Daredevil, don’t you?!” Clearly irritated, he demands another costume and walks out.

On the third day, he comes home and sees three cotton balls, a white belt and a three-foot-long 2x4 on the bed. Puzzled, he asks his wife “What’s this”?

She says “These are your choices. You can either glue the cotton balls on your chest and go as a domino; you can put on the white belt and go as an Oreo cookie; or you can shove the 2x4 up your ass and go as a Fudgsicle!”

 

[phillyflyers]

Another @phillyflyers special:

A couple is excited about a costume party they have just been invited to. The husband, who is black, asked his wife to just pick up a costume for him since he’ll be too busy at work to get one himself. She excitedly agrees.

The next day, he comes home and finds a Batman suit waiting for him. He turns to his wife, who is white, and says: “Honey, you know Batman’s not black, right?” She apologizes and promises to pick up a different costume.

The next day, he comes home and sees a different costume waiting for him. “Uhhmm… Sweetheart, you know there ain’t no black Daredevil, don’t you?!” Clearly irritated, he demands another costume and walks out.

On the third day, he comes home and sees three cotton balls, a white belt and a three-foot-long 2x4 on the bed. Puzzled, he asks his wife “What’s this”?

She says “These are your choices. You can either glue the cotton balls on your chest and go as a domino; you can put on the white belt and go as an Oreo cookie; or you can shove the 2x4 up your ass and go as a Fudgsicle!”

Dat fukkin whore! Marrying a spook.

 

[maltedhopsfrenzy]

Dat fukkin whore! Marrying a spook.

Honestly, I thought you would’ve said the joke part was that the black guy had a job…..