Tell me a joke

[kostasmalina]

I'm not a Jew but that's what I am, at heart lol

 

[BMR Genie]

A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here."

He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last."

And he says: "Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?" And they too tell him that they are here.

So the old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says, "If everybody is here ... why is the light on in the kitchen?"

 

[BMR Genie]

"Three drunk guys entered a taxi. The driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine, turn it off again and said "We reached your destination" The first guy gave him money, the second guy said "Thank you" then gave him money too, while the third guy slapped the taxi driver. The driver was shocked thinking the third guy knew what he did, the driver asked "What was that for?" the third guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you've nearly killed us!"

 

[DiggityDaggityDo]

One day, Tanko falls asleep next to his wife, in bed.​

Long After some time, he sees st. Peter.
Tanko: "am I dreaming?"
St. Peter: "no Tanko, you've passed away in your sleep... unfortunately, we're not ready for you yet. We'll need to send you back, but unfortunately, we can only send you back as a chicken."

Tanko thinks about this for a moment, and agrees. There's a blinding flash of light, and when Tanko opens his eyes, he finds that he's in a chicken coop.

The chicken next to him says "hey, you haven't laid any eggs today. The farmer will slaughter you if you don't lay any"
Tanko: "I don't know how"
Chicken: "it's easy. You just go 'bock bock booock' and squeeze real hard."
Tanko: ok, I'll give it a try. Bock bock BOOOOCK" Tanko squeezes hard, and out pops a massive egg.

Chicken: "whoa! That's a massive egg!"
Tanko: "I think I can lay a bigger one. Watch this: bock bock BOOOOOOOOCK" and Tanko squeezes harder than before, and out pops an even bigger egg!
Chicken: "goodness, that's the biggest egg I've ever seen!"
Tanko: "hold on, this one will blow your mind... BOCK BOCK BOOOOOOO-"
and at that moment, Tanko’s wife elbows him in the ribs and shouts "stop shitting in the bed"

 

[BMR Genie]

One day, Tanko falls asleep next to his wife, in bed.​

Long After some time, he sees st. Peter.
Tanko: "am I dreaming?"
St. Peter: "no Tanko, you've passed away in your sleep... unfortunately, we're not ready for you yet. We'll need to send you back, but unfortunately, we can only send you back as a chicken."

Tanko thinks about this for a moment, and agrees. There's a blinding flash of light, and when Tanko opens his eyes, he finds that he's in a chicken coop.

The chicken next to him says "hey, you haven't laid any eggs today. The farmer will slaughter you if you don't lay any"
Tanko: "I don't know how"
Chicken: "it's easy. You just go 'bock bock booock' and squeeze real hard."
Tanko: ok, I'll give it a try. Bock bock BOOOOCK" Tanko squeezes hard, and out pops a massive egg.

Chicken: "whoa! That's a massive egg!"
Tanko: "I think I can lay a bigger one. Watch this: bock bock BOOOOOOOOCK" and Tanko squeezes harder than before, and out pops an even bigger egg!
Chicken: "goodness, that's the biggest egg I've ever seen!"
Tanko: "hold on, this one will blow your mind... BOCK BOCK BOOOOOOO-"
and at that moment, Tanko’s wife elbows him in the ribs and shouts "stop shitting in the bed"

OMG haha..

Tanko is not going to be happy about this.

 

[Tanko]

One day, Tanko falls asleep next to his wife, in bed.​

Long After some time, he sees st. Peter.
Tanko: "am I dreaming?"
St. Peter: "no Tanko, you've passed away in your sleep... unfortunately, we're not ready for you yet. We'll need to send you back, but unfortunately, we can only send you back as a chicken."

Tanko thinks about this for a moment, and agrees. There's a blinding flash of light, and when Tanko opens his eyes, he finds that he's in a chicken coop.

The chicken next to him says "hey, you haven't laid any eggs today. The farmer will slaughter you if you don't lay any"
Tanko: "I don't know how"
Chicken: "it's easy. You just go 'bock bock booock' and squeeze real hard."
Tanko: ok, I'll give it a try. Bock bock BOOOOCK" Tanko squeezes hard, and out pops a massive egg.

Chicken: "whoa! That's a massive egg!"
Tanko: "I think I can lay a bigger one. Watch this: bock bock BOOOOOOOOCK" and Tanko squeezes harder than before, and out pops an even bigger egg!
Chicken: "goodness, that's the biggest egg I've ever seen!"
Tanko: "hold on, this one will blow your mind... BOCK BOCK BOOOOOOO-"
and at that moment, Tanko’s wife elbows him in the ribs and shouts "stop shitting in the bed"

R E P O R T E D...
I told you that in confidence Diggity, you SOB.

I'll be putting peanut butter spray in all you underwear so your dog wants to screw you constantly.

 

[BMR Genie]

I already warned you DDD.

 

[DiggityDaggityDo]

What’s peanut butter spray?

 

[Tanko]

What’s peanut butter spray?

 

[BMR Genie]

View attachment 23652

Oh wow! I need this for my dog.

 

[DiggityDaggityDo]

Ever wonder how to get a nun pregnant? You dress her up like an altar boy.

Just kidding. You actually get an altar boy to shit in her cunt.

Anyways… What does a priest use as a cockring?
Altar boy ass

 

[Iw1nCashFlow]

So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere

 

[KVB]

Ever wonder how to get a nun pregnant? You dress her up like an altar boy.

Just kidding. You actually get an altar boy to shit in her cunt.

Anyways… What does a priest use as a cockring?
Altar boy ass

 

[DiggityDaggityDo]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'

 

[BMR Genie]

"A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.

At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.


After they`ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 AM and says, “Oh no, its so late, my wife’s going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?”She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty mad.Where the heck have you been?”“Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed.So I went to the bar to use the vending machine.I saw this great looking woman there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.”“Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!”She sees his hands are covered with powder and.“You damn liar! You went bowling again!”

 

[kostasmalina]

• What does Santa use to clean his sleigh? Comet.

 

[kostasmalina]

• Did you hear that Santa Claus joined Instagram? He wanted online presents.

 

[BMR Genie]

"Wife: now that we're married you can sell that classic car and we can travel.

Husband: You're starting to sound like my ex-wife.

Wife: You never told me you were previously married.

Husband: I wasn't"

 

[stretchrunner47]

The only difference between mexican beer and licking pussy? Pussy only tastes like piss for a few seconds.....
mexican beer reminds me of making love in a canoe....it's fucking close to water...

 

[BMR Genie]

The only difference between mexican beer and licking pussy? Pussy only tastes like piss for a few seconds.....
mexican beer reminds me of making love in a canoe....it's fucking close to water...

I don't remember welcome you to the Forum, @stretchrunner47

Welcome! Do you like beer?